Sorority Row/(dvd)

Sorority Row

"Notable Actors"

1. some chick
2. this douche bag
3. dumb hoe

with appearances by

• a sniveling Rumor Willis; (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis offspring)
• Audrina Patridge (the girl from The Hills with veneers that are too big for her mouth)

Genre

• horror
• thriller

Director

Stewart Hendler (nothing special on his resume)

Sorority Row. I wasn't planning on seeing this movie at all. I deffinitely wasn't going to review it either. On a bored whim I pulled it out of my local RedBox, went home and popped it in. I will try to keep this review as short as possible. You may know the bare minumum of the plot,  a sorority sister (Audrina Patridge) is accidently killed in a prank gone wrong and left for dead. Soon after, someone starts picking off the girls involved one by one with a tire iron (that has sharp attachments on it.)  This is your typical slasher so ofcourse instead of substance their is plentiful helpings of bad acting, topless women, and awful dialogue. The premise itself is not only absurd but just plain wrong when able minded beings stop to think of it. Audrina's boyfriend, Garrett, was given what he thinks is roofies by his real sister "Chuggs" who is also Audrina's sorority sister. Audrina is his girlfriend and  he tries to have sex with her while she's drugged. Pause! ummm isn't that called RAPE??? I find this highly weird. I guess when it comes to Sororities all moral compasses are checked at the door. It turned out not to be roofies but that meant that Garrett is the kind of guy that has no problem taking advangtage of his drugged girlfriend and for no apparent reason. Nobody else finds this weird though. Halfway through the molestation Audrina starts convulsing and foaming at the mouth and Garrett thinks shes dead. He runs to his sister Chuggs and they along with 5 other sorority sisters put her 'dead' body in a car and drive off. What Garrett doesn't know is that this is all a trick. Audrina and her friends thought that it would be funny to pretend she was dead and that he killed her. They considered this the ultimate revenge because Garrett cheated on Audrina and instead of confronting and breaking up with him she opted to play dead. Lets pause again. Who the hell would do that? It's cruel and disturbing. I'm even more disturbed when the girls easily get Garren to agree that they should just dump her dead body in a well and go back to the party they just left. Am I really the only one who sees what kind've man it would take to drug and rape  his girlfriend with help from his sister and her sorority then after "killing" her dump her body as if its some rag. And what kind've women would particpiate in something so heartless? Its the most tasteless thing I have ever heard and everyone involved deserves whatever consequences lay ahead. As you know from the trailer Garrett kills Audrina for real. He  shoves a tire iron through her chest. Honestly I'm not sure why. I rewound the dvd twice at this part and think he may have been trying to open the airways in her chest but it was weird and random and unclear why he was doing it. Without any real explanation Audrina  immediately passes on and  I don't feel bad for her. It was an ironic "life imitating art" situation.

The rest of the movie turns into a wannabe thriller "who-dunnit?" The killer, wielding one of the weirdest weapons of all time, is also dressed in a black robe that covered their face. The vibe I got was Urban Legend meets I Know What You Did Last Summer. Since the killers weapon was akward, big and sharp all the kills were essentially the same ; slit throats. The Murderer even manages to kill someone thats all the way down the hall by throwing the tire ax expertly and very ninja like hitting spot on in the throat.  Whatever!

The writers of the movie (who have written Good Luck Chuck  -_-) tried their best to confuse the audience of who the killer was. They had the nerve to throw us so many red herring's in attempts to create twists and turns for us. Ofcourse all the obvious ones had totally legitimate reasons for being the killer so I kept them in the back of my mind.  But when the real killer was revealed I was surprised and not in a good way. The killers so-called motives were even worse. It wasn't that the girls didn't deserve to be killed, but the person that decided to teach them a lesson came completely out of nowhere. I know the objective was to shock us but it really just annoyed me. The people that made this crap thought it was much better than it actually was.

As in the scare factor, there is no supsense what-so-ever, not even jumping moments. I was bored and only curious to see who the killer was and it truly wasn't worth it when I found out. Sorority Row just may be one of the dumbest movies I have seen in a long time and the only satisfying part of it all was being able to release all of my frustations in this blog. I wanted to alert the public what the real story is behind Sorority Row. It started off with an attempted rape (which was fine with everybody!) and somehow only happened to plummet even further from there. Skip this one guys, even if  it is only one dollar. Come to think of it, even if its free.

The Vampire Diaries; volume 1/(young adult book/now a televsion series)

The Vampire Diaries

volume 1

Author

• L.S. Smith

Genre

• non fiction
• thriller/suspense/fantasy
• vampire
• love

The vampire Diaries. Part one; The Awakening & part two; The Struggle. Okay guys I hope your not sick of these vampire stories yet. I know I'm not :) After a few recommendations from fellow nerds I finally picked up Volume 1 of The Vampire Diaries.  Sadly it started off strangely reminding me of a stripper, on stage for the first time. Slow, scared, inexperienced and almost cringe worthy. She's the girl paying her way through college but weary that her job will imprison her! I felt similiar hoping this hogwash wouldn't turn me off so much that I never lifted another book again. Two things saved this saga from my trash bin. (1) I hoped the stripper would get a bit more confidant and perk up and (2)I'm cheap. Why is that relevant?  Because I paid  $9.95 for this book and I didnt want it to be another waste of litetrature an more importantly my money. It took many attampts to get through the dreadful first half of The Vampire Diaries. And believe me this was no easy feat after meeting our shallow blond bombshell bitch of a heroin, Elena. She is the epitomy of the girl every boy wants to deflower and every girl wants to be. She is spoiled, selfish and only keeps around people for her own agenda.  Why couldnt the stripper be more like her?  Her inner circle includes her two close friends, (one with psychic abilities,) and a her boyfriend the most popular boy in school. I very early on grow tired of Elena and her awesomeness. I don't know how any reader could like her even when they give her a traumatic back story for sympathy. She now lives with her aunty because her parents were killed. She also has two young siblings, or is it one? It doesnt really matter, almost all of the minor roles are meerly page fillers with no contribution to the story what so ever. There are plenty of characters in the book but  most of them are as flat and dimensional as a comic book cartoon.  And the people we do get to know happen to be as likeable as a sex offender. Luckily there is some (very slim) character development for the main roles L.S. Smith has created. I was constantly rolling my eyes and deeming this book too juvenile for  myself. Although I  sometimes prefer reading young a adults books theirs only so much "fluff" I can bear. I moaned and groaned reading Elena's first diary entry telling us that she is scared for she believes something is coming for her. Even more so as Elena's psychic reading friend , Bonnie, read Elena's palm and could foretell her meeting a tall, dark, stranger in the future. I'm not sure how the lines on her hand led Bonnie to this improbable conclusion but long behold Stefan Salvitore. The new student that just happens to be tall, dark and handsome. Oh and did I mention he's a bloodsucking invincible lad as well? The story gets a teeny bit more interesting as Elena promptly dumps Matt her popular boyfriend, and enlists her gal pals to bag the new guy. Stefan is the usual "good guy"  vampire only feeding on animals.  From Stefan's POV he is enchanted with Elena. She shares an uncanny resemblance with Katherine, the one who turned him into a vampire and the only girl he has ever loved. Eventhough that was centuries ago and Elena is 100times more feisty than his beloved its still an Usher's "you remind me" situation for him; (lyrics)

...you remind of a girl that I once knew/ see her face whenever I look at you/ you wont believe all of the things she put me through/ this is why I just can't get with you/...
  Still reeling from what his lady Katherine "put him through" Stefan decided to stay away from Elena. In doing so he's "mean" to her. Ignoring every advance, and eventually humiliating poor Elena, and its about time someone knocked her down a peg.

Halfway through part one Stefan saves Elena from a potential rape and this sparks their relationship. That'll deffinitely be a story to tell the kids how mommy and daddy got together . Our heroin finds herself head over heels in love and him of her. Unaware that he's a blood lusting immortal, Elena senses that he's hiding something but is content with there relationship so doesn't push the envelope. Although she becomes more likeable and less superficial while with Stefan Elena's still the same bitch. She has no problem writing off her friends, family and school work to be with him. I will admit  as far as teenage vampire lovers go they got a cute thing goin. But its not new. Its not surprising and its expected in this genre.

 Picture this;  the strippers first song is over and she is relieved and cant believe that she did it. Slowly she is lettig go of her inhibitions and she opens up more. Things start to get juicy when another dark stranger roams (or flys) into town. He too is gorgeous and is taken with Elena the first time he sees her. And she is almost entranced with stranger danger whom we come to know as Damon. The chemistry they share is off the charts and even in their first meeting she is almost compelled to kiss him. We soon find out that Damon is Stefan's evil older sibling and he's got a score to settle with his brother. Coincidently murders start happening in town around the same time as these two young studs move in making everyone weary of Stefan. Eventually he reveals his dark secret to Elena and warns her about Damon. Elena LOVES Stefan but cannot deny the electric sexual tension that she shares with his brother although he also disgusts her. At the end of The Awakening, Damon and his brother square off for Elena. Stefan is powerless against his brother who feeds quite well on humans, making him much stronger, faster and more dangerous. He leaves Stefan for dead.
Because of that ending I was more than anxious to get into part two The Struggle. If The Awakening was an apple I took my time patiently eating I devoured The Struggle like a hungry stripper that hadn't eaten in centuries. As Elena learned of Stefan's "death" from the wicked Damon she starts a man hunt looking for her beloved because she knows in her heart he is still alive somewhere. She enlists her friends and even the boy she dumped for Stefan to help find him. And proving to be both a good guy and a dumb ass, he readily helps Elena find her guy. To nurse Stefan back to health she lets him suck her blood. But because Damon is still alive we know that the dual is not over for these Cain and Able like brothers. Vampire Diaries is a cute story. Its not really bringing anything new to the table other than the brothers hating eachother thing.  L.J. Smith gives us an interesting if not cliched take on what vampires are in her own mind.
Since the protagonist is female I can imagine that the author has spent many a night thinking of herself as the fantastic Elena; who meets her everlasting love, the gorgeous, the celestial, Stefan Salvitore and then has the honor of two immortals fighting to the death over her.
Fortunately these guys don't sparkle in the sun ( sorry Twilight fans,) In fact the duo would burn to death and  need a ring in order to bear the sunlight. Smith brings it old school again because  in her world Vampires may not enter a dwelling unless it a public one, with out an invitation. Retro right? It took me a while to get through what should have been a fairly easy read. But what miss Smith irked me with in the first half she made up for in the second half. I am looking forward to seeing what our author has next for our characters.
Will Elena bed Stefan or his wicked brother Damon first? Or will it be neither, this is a young adults book!
Will Elenas friends develop at least two dimensional qualities?
Will the town discover Stefans secrets?
Will the stripper pay her way through college?
Hopefully the next installment has all these answers plus much more. Im hoping that the author, like our stripper has a few more tricks up her sleeve.
book grade
C+
worth reading?
 I guess

The Stepfather/(newly released DVD)

The Stepfather

"Notable Actors"

1. No One special
2. Whats his face
3. that girl from that thing

Genre

• thriller
• horror

Director

Nelson McCormick (Prom Night)

The Stepfather(2oo9). Meet David. David is our antagonist. He's the guy at the grocery store that seems so friendly making idle chat with your mother about the weather. He appears to be a man that has been hurt bad when he tells you all about his daughter and wife being killed by a drunk driver. He's the man that gets engaged to your mom soon after and says he has big aspirations for the family. Yea he's a real family man.
Meet Michael. Michael is our hero. He is a 17 year old returning home from military school for the summer. He's the typical bad boy thats been reformed. He's not thrilled about his mom remarrying but isn't happy with own father either so for now he can deal with Daivd who seems like a nice guy. He's not suspicious of David right off the back but very quickly he learns that theres more than meets the eye.
From the trailers alone one could easily compare this 'family fun' flick to Disturbia (Shia LaBeouf) and/or Domestic Disturbance (John Travolta). I was hoping things werent as similiar as they seemed but they were so if you've seen either of the two then essentially you have seen The Stepfather already. The funny thing is that The Stepfather came before both, (its a remake of The Stepfather1987)
 But the aforementioned earlier films are much more original and enjoyable than the movie I am reviewing today and I would highly recomend either in exchange for this pale comparison of a thriller.
Upon Michaels arrivial from Military school he is content with having David around. He feeds Michael the drunk driver story, helps hims rejoin his school swim team which he loves and is keeping his mother happy. But within days Michael starts sensing something isn't right with this man. A neighbor sees a sketch on Americas Most Wanted that resembles his  fututre step dad, and after jokingly telling Michaels mom she is killed in an "accident" a day later. Somehow step dad knows the details before anyone else does. The weird activity doesn't stop there.  Daddy  keeps giving Micheal strange threatening stares, he's grabbed his brother innapropriately a few times and he even forgets the name of his deseased family members and his own!
This is no mystery to us. From the very beginning we are forced to look at a man (David) with a long beard and glasses start his morning. He shaves, has breafast and casually pulls out the drive way as we are greeted with a disturbing image of a mother and her three kids lifeless bodies are scattered all over the house. We know that step pa is indeed a killer. The detectives bring us up to speed and give us the 4-1-1 on the guy. To me its a disclaimer. There telling you upfront how freaking the stupid the concept is and I guess the rest is on us on whether or not to finish the flick or pop in a different dvd. Unfortunately I chose the latter. We learn that not only that is David a killer he is only interested in killing divorcees and/or widows along their kids. At the start of the movie we learn that this is his third family. Ok, This is the meat of the film. And its absolute foolishness. I mean come the hell on! that's just stupid. Your telling me this guy goes from place to place preying on single women long enough to earn the title stepdad so he can eventually kill the family? Why would anybody do that? And why is it after so many times that he's done it he still hasn't gotten his story straight? What a sloppy conman/killer.
The madness doens't stop there. Father has been able to go from family to family undetected for several years becasuse of completely legitamite reasons that would totally work in the real world. (sarcasm detected?) He has a fool-proof disquise shaving off his long beard, dyeing his black hair to a lighter dark dark dark brown and choosing to put in contacts instead of glasses. (Amazing!) He's also managed to never have his picture taken by anyone and promptly deletes secret photos taken without his consent. David knows better than to leave a paper trail behind so he strictly pays cash for everything and chooses to work like an undocumented immigrant, only jobs that pay him under the table!
It's a completely improbable scenario. Almost ridiculously so. The terror still doesn't end there, the movie was completely predicatable. I probably could have written this review had I not watched it anyway, but I would have guessed that it would have made a little more sense than it did. The death scenes were unoriginal and everyone that died was so stupid for putting themselves in such vulnerable positions that I think they got what they deserved. Michael was the only character that I liked in the film. His character was the only believeable one, he grew in obsession along with suspsicion for his step dad. He was your typical teenage boy, surrounded by a ton of adult idiots. He had a sexy girlfriend who wouldn't even entertain his thoughts on stepdad  and rolled her eyes at him more than anything.(dumb broad) She was clearly a show piece for the film. Her wardrobe consisted of different colored itty bitty bikins and a bra and panties, thats it. Throughout the whole 98 minutes we got to see her rock hard abs and nice body. I'm guessing she was the apology from the director for giving us such a shitty movie and she helped alittle, I suppose.
The Stepfather was a failure, not a total failure but it was, okay a total failure. The movie did have one almost redeeming moment though. The anti-climatic ending was still severly bad but the only unpredictable part of The Stepfather. First we have the usual scene where everyone that doubted Michael all realize that his suspicions were right and David actually is a killer. Michael actually finds a dead body in a locked wooden storage container in the basement (this man had the nerve to hide dead bodies in the house?) So mom, Michael and hot girlfriend are all running from David and mom stabs him with  broken glass in his neck. He recovers, (ofcourse). Somehow him and David end up on the roof for the ultimate dual. Its what we were all waiting for. Astoningishly not only does David fall off the roof like we knew he would, he takes our hero with him! They plummet to the ground.
Fastforward. One month later Michael wakes up in a hosptital bed from a coma! Mom and sexy girlfriend are there cause they just knew he would wake up one day and god forbid he wake up alone. Then they lay the bomb on us. Although Michael was injured bad enough to fall into a coma, our relentless  stepfather somehow safely got away before the police made it. As the ending credits role in David preys on another single mom with two boys, anxious to yet again be called stepfather. But maybe after all that David has been he might just opt for a  regular divorce this time.
Movie grade
F+
Worth Watching?
Hells no

500 Days of Summer /(newly released dvd)

                                                   500 Days of Summer
"Notable Actors"

1. Joseph Gordon- Levitt ( 3rd Rock from the Sun, 10 Things I Hate About You
2. Zooey Deschanel- (The Happening, Yes Man)

 

Genre

•  Romantic comedy

• Drama?

Director

 Marc Webb (first feature film)

 500 Days of  Summer. "This movie is not a love story." Thats what the narrator lets us know right off  the top. Is it a disclaimer? Maybe. If it is, it's a damn good one. But even with something like that as the very first line of the movie I was so not prepared for the roller coaster ride ahead. When it was all over I was hopeing it wasn't a love story because if thats what love is.... I may sit the next one out.

Ok, so 500 Days of Summer is not a love story, we've established that, it is still a story . A story about a boy and girl. The boy is Tom Hanson, a pretty miserable human being, who has a love for architecture yet works at a company that writes greeting cards, (interesting transition right?) He has the same boring life with his job, few close friends and very wise and mature sister, several years younger that he turns to for advice. He essentially feels dead inside and believes, like sleeping beauty, that only his true love can bring him to life, and the very first day he sees Summer he is convinced that she is the one. Thus the first day of  Summer begins. The movie brillaintly goes back and forth between the 500 days and along the way we see where Tom fell in love with Summer (although this isn't a love story). At first things seemed great. Summer "anal girl" Flin blew in from another town because she was bored and started as Tom's  bosses assistant. Summer is a girl that does what she wants when she wants it and wont settle for anything. Unlike Tom she doesn't believe in love because she has never experienced it. Her parents broke up when she was very young and it litterally scarred her for life. 

 

 As Tom got to know Summer he was sincerely amazed by how much they had in common. He had never met someone who was so compatible with him in all his life. He wanted Summer but was too nervous to pull the trigger. Luckily for him, he didnt have to. After a few akward get togethers Tom and Summer shared a few spicy kisses in the copy room and Tom was aboslutely smitten. From that day on they spent all their time together and they appeared to the couple everyone wanted to be! From playing husband and wife in Ikea, to dinner and movie dates, weird museums and shower sex, Tom has never felt more alive. But Summer makes it clear upfront that she not looking for anything serious. Tom decides without hesitation that it's fine and he can do it casual.  But apparently his feelings  for Summer were anything but.

Any sensible person recognizing that Summer's days were numbered, (litterally) would soon discover that whatever was going on between the two wouldn't last forever. Selfishly I wanted it to last. We see Tom at his happiest when he's with Summer. One the highest times for him was even translated into a dance number in the middle of the street complete with plenty of back ups and even an animated bird! Gordon played Tom like he had been him in a past life. His character was so relatable I couldn't help but root for him and hope that in the end he got the girl he wanted. But unfortunately that girl was unattainable, well in a serious sense. As the number of days went 300 and up (post non-relationship break up) Tom is lower than low. Not showing up for work, sleeping for days at a time, living off twinkies and vodka low. This is translated to him walking in a animated black and white scene, and Tom is etched out. Again I cant help but feel his pain, I was litterally depressed on these parts of the film. He loves Summer. Although I can't remember hearing him ever utter the words to her. And she never considered him more than a friend. It really was Tom's fault when it comes to the bare facts. FRom the beginning Summer told Tom  in plain and simple english she didn't want anything serious. But Tom was already in way too deep. He made the mistake most women make. He thought he could change Summer. In a lot of ways he did, slowly but surely she let her guard down with him. Sharing things she never shared with anyone before, letting him into to her world. But the important thing that he never changed was her mind. And my struggle of understanding the complex and cold character Zooey Deschanel was comes in. Tom was fully commited to her 100%. He lived and breathed for Summer and she seemed just as smitten with him. But as the days grew in number she began to pull back from Tom and left him. She just knew that it couldn't go anywhere for her. That they couldn't even end something because it really never started. For this I admire her for being true to her heart and not settling for one second. But I aslo felt dislike for this quirky,  little-too-casual girl. It seemed as if she was just playing with Tom to pass the time, what was bliss for Tom was something she could very easily shrug off and forget, and that makes her seem more cruel and cold than anything.

 

 Tom hopes to get back with Summer even after they had parted ways for many a days (about a hundred).

When they cross paths again he discovers she's engaged! Pretty infuriating, I must say, and heart breaking. He is now forced to move on with his life. He finally gets into architecture, and gets his life back on track, becoming thankful for the people in his life that will always be there.

On the last day of Summer, they run into eachother, its the most touching, sad, maddeing, yet understandable part of the film. Tom asks Summer why it couldn't have been him and she holds nothing back. She knew Tom wasn't the one. So she let him go. She was near tears as she told him goodbye, almost in a regretful way. But we'll never know if she was. Tom now has the closure he needs to move on with life. Summer had given him the tools to move on  to the next step. Like her name Summer was merely a season of Tom's life. And although it took him a long time to recover, she was necessary for him. This wasn't the typical romantic comedy. It was more dark than anything, even the narrator had a eery undertone. Nonetheless 500 Days of Summer was a great movie. Altough a little depressing it showed us all the power of love. It can ruin us, it can make us.  This story may be too real for some hoping for a mushy, and predictable ending. But thats the beauty of 500 Days of Summer. Its unpredicatable, real, passionate and meaningful. It can leave you lifted, or drained. Inspire and enlighten or confuse and depress. 500 Days of Summer truly was a rollercoaster. And it was definitely alot like love. But then again this wasn't a love story. Was it?

Movie Grade

A

Worth Watching?

 hell yea!

Armored /(currently in theaters)

Armored

"Notable actors"

1. Laurence Fishburne- The Matrix, Boyz n the Hood, Whats Love Got to do with it
2. Matt Dillon- Wild Things, Theres Something About Mary, Crash, You, me and Dupree
3. Columbus Short- Save the Last Dance 2, Cadillac Records, Stomp the Yard

Genre

• Action
• Drama

Armored. A quick glance at my blog and one can clearly see that I dont review new movies very often. Its true, I don't get out to the always expensive multiplex as much as I would like to. So one can imagine that  venturing to the actual movie theaters to pay top dollar for a 90minute film is not something i take for  granted or lightly! With that being said I would like to thank the movie Armored  for reminding me that its okay to be the cheapskate that I am, and theres nothing wrong with waiting till the dvd release. Or in this particular case maybe its premiere on  the televesion network FX . I'm sure that won't
be for another few years but  had I known what I was getting myself into I would have waited.
Okay, so Armored wasn't horrible, I will say that, but it wasn't a good film either. Lets start off with the story line and cast. Columbus Short is the front runner in this film. Not his first time starring in a movie but this time theres no dancing for us to forgive him for being an exceptional dancer that can act, kinda.  He plays Ty Hackett, a 30 somethin year old who just lost  his parents and is struggling to take care of his brother Jimmy. He's having trouble paying his house note and weary that the bank may be taking the home he grew up in with his family.
 The whole movie he searches for sympathy from us, wanting us to feel sorry for him being a young man just trying to do the right thing. Ideally I would, in this film, I could not. With the brief and forced brother to brother moments with his younger sibling Jimmy, I simply wasn't convinced enough to care what happened to them. It was also a poor idea for the movie because it became absolutely ridiculous the amount of times this kid was talked about during the film, transforming Armored from an action/drama to a really bad after school special.
 Here are a few examples;
"I'm trying to do right by Jimmy"
"I'm so proud of you taking care of Jimmy and all..."
"Get another hot dog, for Jimmy"
"Do it for Jimmy man."
"Jimmy needs me."
"It's just me and Jimmy."
Sadly and irratiting enough the poor boy that played Jimmy was mentioned way more than he actually appeared. How can I actually care about this kid if I don't get to connect with him. I would say his character wasn't developed but it never formed to begin with. Instead of making Jimmy a real character he became the crutch that the entire movie chose to stand on.
Ty (along with a riducously shady crew) works for Eagel Shield, a company that transports millions of money on a daily basis in "armored" trucks. Upon meeting Ty's coworkers my spidy senses start tingling immediately.  His new coworkers include a few screw balls to say the least. Matt Dillon plays his supposed to be best friend, Mike and he drives Ty back and forth to work and gives him advice and knew his father. Ty trusts him, I know better. Dillon is notorious for playing two faced roles. Ty must've still been emotionally cut off from the world for I believe any and everyone else could sense Mike's fakeness on any bullshit o' meter. Laurence Fishburne took a break from making good movies  and from being  sane to  play Baines, a crazy assault rifle toting man, who encourages more pity than laughs from the audience. This guy is one scary man, he's the loose cannon of the group, I feared him. Again ty did not. The rest of his unit include a bible thumper, (they are the worst), a eye shifting Russian, and two other white guys, who shall remain nameless. How is this film supposed to keep me on the edge of my seat and thrill me if I know what there shifty eyes and greedy smiles mean? Ty needs to get with the program already before he puts himself in a dangerous situation like the joke his unit set up on him.
This was another major red flag that our protagonist missed. Baines, Ty and Mike were transporting  a few million dollars when there car stopped on an empty road (that they shouldnt have been on to begin with) when another van pulls up with men  with masks, wielding guns and explosives come out. Baines and Mike in the front say they smell burnt sugar and Ty is stuck in his seatbelt for whatever reason as the masked assailants put a bomb on the armored door. Ty, braces for what is surely death then
FIRECRACKERS go off! It's not real! The masked assailants  are the other guys from his unit. There just messing around.  Inniation? A joke? Either way it was in very poor taste. I'm sure Hackett had to change his drawers after that. No Biggie  though right! Wrong! While Ty took a deep breath in relief  he really should have been extremely cautious of his team, he wasn't.
The same night as Mike drives Ty home he tells him how the unit is plannig on takeing the 42 million dollars there transporting tomorrow for there own. He says they'll pretend to be robbed, hide the loot, alert authorities, and then collect the dinero later on. Ty, being the good man that he is, is quite frankly appalled and terrrified. I will admit its a pretty  interesting idea. But it seemed so last minute. They knew the cops would want a play by play from everyone invlolved, it would draw up major suspicion if  they all said different things. Thats just stupid. They had a plan but it was more like "lets just see how it works out" rather than having every "I dotted and T crossed". Hackett refuses a ride that night and walks home only to find a social worker at his house and the infamous Jimmy makes a short apperance. Ths social worker threatens to take Jimmy to a foster home because he's been truant from school for months. What the hell has Ty been so wrapped up in not to notice that? The clouds I suppose, for this man had no clue what was happening in his own house. With the threat of losing Jimmy Ty sees no other way then to pull off the heist with his unit. The next day he shows up to work fresh faced and ready to steal a cool 42 million. But in true good guy fashion he says "Just promise me were not gonna hurt nobody." Mike agrees; "No one gets hurt."
This is where the movie does something unnexpected, Armored pulls a U-turn on us and I never saw it coming. I figured they would pull the plan off but with the avarice and stupidity in every mans heart they would kill eachother in hopes to have it all, and somehow Ty would end up with the money.
Instead during the middle of hiding the money, someone despite Mikes promise "gets hurt". A bum that dwells in the old warehouse there hiding there stash is spotted watching them. Baines shoots him in cold blood and Ty finally realizes that he can no longer go through with this. He locks himself in one of the
armored trucks and tries to radio for help but there area is so secluded he doesnt have a signal. Mike then decides they must kill Ty and make it look like it happened during the highjacking. The unit spemds most of the movie trying to somehow pry the truck open and kill Ty. Meanwhile Ty tries several tactics to make noise and somehow allert the cops. After getting the car alarm to go off he does succeed in drawing the attention of Officer Eckenhart a cop without a partner who enjoys hot dogs from the same place as Ty and Mike. Unfortunately he gets shot and left for dead but Ty distracts the unit, LEAVES THE TRUCK GETS ECKENHEART AND BRINGS HIM BACK TO THE TRUCK! Ty turns into Chuck Norris as he begins picking off the guys one by one without getting hurt. The Russian man goes to fetch Jimmy(whom the movie wouldn't be possilbe without)  as a lure for Ty and he takes the bait willingly. But after setting a booby trap the money explodes and so do the remaining bad guys. Ty, Jimmy and Eckenhart (all the good guys) survive. As Officer Eckenhart lay in the hospital, Ty sits in the waiting room waiting for Jimmy to be relased as well. I was alittle surprised that he wasnt questioned or anything because wether this was his idea or not he was in on it as well. His Boss comes out and tells
Ty that the officer he helped has told everyone how he saved his life and the part that made me laugh out loud was his bosses next line. "theres talk of a reward" Ty smiles and collects Jimmy and goes home. He saves Jimmy. He saved an officer of the law, he held onto his integrity and because of all his good deeds will one day receive a "reward" of some kind and will most likey save his house. So all in all Ty does end up with at least some money. But this secenario is as likey as him ripping off his clothes revealing a blue and red unitard with an S on his chest and flying him and Jimmy home. If were gonna be this far fetched and corny I would rather stick to something along the lines of High School Musical, with a movie like that you know exactly what your getting. Armored used its thick skin and wicked ways to trick us into thinking not only is it an action flick worth watching but that its for adults. Unlike Ty Hackett and his world of make believe I'm not buying it. But maybe my four year old neice would. She is a fan or fairy tales.
movie grade
C
worth watching?
only if you've seen everyother Disney/Pixar movie

Jennifers Body/(on dvd 12/24/09)

Jennifers Body

"Notable actors"

1. Megan Fox- Transformers 1&2, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
2. Amanda Seyfriend- Big Love, Mean Girls, Mama Mia

 "Genre "

• comedy
• horror

Jennifers Body. I will admit that all the talk surrounding Megan Fox had me curious enough to see this film. I mean it was the talk of the town. Megan Fox finally in a lead role that actually requires acting. No loud robots or action sequences, or Shia labeouf's humor to distract us this time! Megan Fox finally got her chance to show us her acting chops! So here we have it, Fox whos sexy and quite the feisty female, off set plays  a sexy, feisty........ cannibal. Sounds just yummy right? Well she does exude sex from every orifice and teases us with sexy lines and kisses girls. Pair that up with a script written by academy award winner Diablo Cody (Juno Screenwriter) and what more could one want?!  Well I'm here to tell you a hell of a lot more than we got! Sorry folks but I'm sad to report that Jennifers Body left me completely unsatisfied,  underwhemled and totally annoyed!

  Essentially Megan Fox plays herself.  An undoubtably sexy , selfish, bitch who treats her less attractive best friend like shit and is naive as they come. I didnt see Megan embody the role or bring anything to the table. I can garauntee she acts, talks and is the same way in real life. Jennifers character was a vapid, self absorbed girl and I have a feeling this wasn't exactly a stretch for Fox.

  The supporting actor left much to be desired as well but it wasn't really her fault. Amanda Seyfriend played Needy, the best friend. These two girls couldn't have been more unlike eachother if they tried. Needy is a compassionate, sarcastic.... well nerd. They wanted to make that clear for us as well by giving her these ugly round wire glasses that were just as uncool two decades ago when the style first

came out. They dressed her in ugly grandma sweaters and she has an equally geeky boyfriend. I don't think this role was too much of a stress for Seyfriend either, even though there was a few crying sequences that were believable. Needys character wasnt much more likeble than Jennifer. Lets face it, Amanda Seyfriend was slumming in this film, its beneath her for sure. I liked her better in Mean Girls when she played a moronic blonde. That character alone had more substance than this entire film.

 I dont really want to blame the actresses, well not totally. Yes they picked a silly movie to be in but I'd like to give credit to our Oscar winner as well because none of this would have happened without Diablo Cody. Shes obviously a smart  and smart mouthed woman who likes her characters that way but I'm starting to think of Juno was a fluke. She was once raising the bar and is now scraping the bottom of the barrel.

   The movie was downright silly and annoyingly ironic. The premise was that Jennifer drags Needy to an obscure bar in their town, Devils Kettle, to see this band Low Shoulder . The band, whos front man is  played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) is completely unconvincing in his punker role. Even with black nailpolish and guy liner  his persona screams "poser". But the wannabe and his band are not in this sad little town to give these deadbeats a free show for nothing. They came down to Devils Kettle to find........ a human sacrifice. A human virgin sacrifice. In doing so they believe that the devil will bring them fortune and fame. Another dumb thing is the bar explodes killing many of Jennifer and Needys classmates and almost all of the bar patrons except for the band so they gain exposure anyway for surviving. But I digress. In their virgin quest Jennifer and Needy start chatting the band up, well mostly Jennifer. Jennifer, in her mini skirt and hooker heels and low cut shirt. Jennifer, who offers to buy them alcohol. The whole time Needy stands there practically eating her own hair. Guess which girl the douchey band front man picks as their virgin? Even despite his bands protests, I mean it was too obvious, one of his band mates suggested Needy making a Jan Brady reference but to no avail.

   Ofcourse Jennifer, being the stupid girl that she is, eargerly hops into their shitty band leaving Needy alone when the bar unexpectantly catches fire. The band unsuccessfully try to sacrifice Jennifer and leave her for dead awaiting there soon fame and fortune. Jennifer, because shes no longer even a back door virgin, doesn't die from the sacrifice. Instead she is demonized, turned into a man eater. And I mean that in the litteral sense.

She soon is feeding on classmates, seducing Needy, and puking up what can only be described as death. Needy struggles with the fact her town is being terrorized by someone thats eating students and that she knows her best friend has something to do with it. She also has a hard time dealing with her feelings for Jennifer, all of her feelings. Yea, at times she sees her as superficial and insensitve and a bitch but there were quite a few instances where you sensed Needy's not only admiration for her beautiful friend but attraction to her. Of course I couldn't review the movie without mentioning the kiss between the two girls. Or should I say make out scene. It was full on, lips and tounge, one girl on top of the other! Was it hot? Hell yea? But it was kind've like walking down the street and having a complete sranger give you ten thousand dollars in cash. Exciting as hell but a little confusing. Once the adrenaline wears off you start wondering "why?" I can't honestly say that it matters though. That scene was the reason for the majority of the movies ticket sales.

-Wanna see Megan Fox act for once?

-nah.....!

-Wanna see Megan Fox in her panties make out with another girl?

-of course!

  But once again, I digress. If the people responsible for this crap thought that the scene would make up for the rest of the film they were dead wrong. Pun intended!

   Another thing that makes me lay awake at night asking "why?" was the fact that Jennifers body had an identity crisis. The film had no idea what it wanted to be. And everthing it tried to be I can assure you it wasn't. It was not funny. It was not scary. It was not dramatic. It was not fun.  It was not action. It just was. And I have no idea why.

9o minutes of utter akwardness. 9o minutes of Megan Fox saying sexy things and eating boys. 9o minutes of the most irritating dialouge ever! Again we must turn to Diablo Cody, whose dialouge was the only scary part of the film. Here are a few examples:

"It smells like thai food , have you guys been fucking?"-Jennifer

"thats freaktarded" -Needy

"The lead singers extra salty" - Jennifer, and Needy

(and my personal favorite), Jennifer pulls a long sharp pole from her stomach and lots of blood

rushes out.........."do you have a tampon?" - Jennifer

Ok. i believe I'm done here. I mean really.....whats left for me to say?

movie grade

D-

worth watching?

no. Just no.

The Rocker/ (currently on HBO/dvd)

The Rocker

"Notable actors"

1. Rainn Wilson- The office
2. Christina Applegate- Anchorman, The Sweetest Thing
3. Emma Stone- Superbad, Zombieland

Genre

• Comedy

The Rocker. I was blown away by this film! Never really had any expectations for a movie about some 4o something year old guy playing with his nephews high school band but I laughed my butt off through out the entire thing!
 Robert "Fish" Fishman (Wilson) is  a miserable, middle aged man who never really grew up. He got dumped by his bandmates just as they were getting ready to make it big in the rock world. He was thrown on his behind by the band he put together and named ( Vesuvius) and they even tried killing him when he seeked revenge and found to their dismay "he can't be killed!"
About 2o years later Fish is a s bitter as ever and Vesuvius is still going strong with platinum albums, world tours and magazine covers.  Fish has vowed never to play again but in a fateful chain of events, (losing his job and girlfriend and home) he ends up staying with his sisters famliy  Including his plain looking and  no presonality nephew, Matt. Matt and his friends (Stone and a nobody) need a drummer for their prom gig. Fish agrees to play with them and  claims it is only a one time thing.
Although in real life it may be kinda creepy to have old man playing with these teens its cute how he connects with them and  backin love with Rock n Roll. Soon and unlikely as ever the kids gain exposure after a naked  youtube video leeks and they hit the road to tour. They journey the country with hopes for making it big and Fish some how learns to finally grow up even after running into his former bandmates!
Thankfully the music wasn't lame. The Rocker had  a rockin'  soundtrack and all the music  through the film was great; witty and  catchy and made the film even cooler! I even caught myself singing some lyrics after the movie was over.
Wether or not your bitter about what your friends have done to you, or your an adult who never grew up, or you"ve always wondered "what if?" I recomend this movie highly, even if your not a fan rock its a fun and funny movie and it may surprise you.

movie grade
A
worth watching?
yes yes and yes!!!